Dinner for one

To simplify it, I called the post dinner for one, but that is just the tip of the ice berg.

Part of the aftermath, after it happened and all the people have left, is the slow realisation that you are now alone. First just a fleeting thought then a more substantial thought and then like a ton of bricks in the face. From here on out it was me and me alone.

From simple daily tasks to the more complex and life altering decisions are all made alone now.

The dreams and plans that was made for years gets scrapped, wiped off the table. You have to start again. You have to dream new dreams and make new plans. The entangled personality that happens after spending so much time together becomes untangled and you have to rediscover who you are and what your dreams are.

A decision as simple as what to cook for dinner can bring all the feelings flooding back. Firstly shopping for the ingredients, did you know that nothing is package with dinner for one in mind. Meat for example, the smallest packs have 2 in it: 2 Steaks, 2 chops, 500gr of mince. Then you get to the recipe, you have to calculate and divide and break down the recipe till its only for one person.

Life conspires to remind you that you are alone. Something as simple as making dinner can be a minefield.

I have always loved cooking, but even that brings up a flood of memories. So you might have to stop half way through and wipe away the tears so that you can actually see what you are doing. If you are like me and used to cooking for an army, suddenly cooking for one can be a mountain in itself.

Then we get to the life decisions, I need to start over, financially I need will need to start generating an income. My husband and myself were in business together. Our lives was so much intertwined that we even cooked our evening dinner together.

I have so much decisions to make and I am truly lost on where to start and what to do. All the questions and options running through my mind, is keeping me up at night.

And then there is the supportive people that with the best intentions constantly remind you of how little you have and how quickly you have to start. I had widow brain, see my post for more, all these questions sent me into overwhelm, I could not deal. It literally felt like I was drowning. In the end all I could think of is how much easier it would be to just die as well. If I am dead then I don’t have to grief and I don’t have to deal with all the emotions.

It is exactly here that you need to be very careful. You have to block out these people for survival. Don’t get me wrong they truly have the best intentions, but you and only you can make the decisions. And you will make the decisions as you and when you are able to. Firstly try to deal with the loss and the grief.

There are so many obstacles that you will need to face as a single instead of as a unit. Traveling for example. You suddenly realise that if you go on holiday, where you at least had one definite travel partner now you have none.

This is my reality. A new reality and I did not ask for it, but I have to deal with it.

It sneaks up on you that all planning will be done by one for one. As I try to move forward I have this constant feeling of being upset and not sure what is causing it, but if you have read through my post you will see that it is all the small little things that accumulate.

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